Chronicles Of Corbin

Welcome to Corbin Chronicles

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Topic: Marriage Trends – Divorce

I grew up in a part member home in utah so my family life was very LDS centered but a little bit of Catholicism. My parents are still married and have been my closest example of a marriage for me. My family are not sealed so the eternal aspect of family was never really focused on the home because it was almost depressing because my father is not a member, now I am married and sealed to my loving wife and really see why eternal families are taught in church. Even though growing up in Utah and not having the stereotypical LDS family we grew up with good values and to respect marriage.

When and if someone asks me about divorce I make sure to let them know that depending on rare circumstances I am against divorce, I know that about half my friends have grown up in a divorce house hold I know that they value marriage like I do so we share the same views. I say that marriage is a sacred bond and it needs to be protected and divorce should not be an option especially while working things or solving problems divorce is serious, its not to be taken lightly.

Threats to Marriage Same Sex Marriage

What is the big deal with legalizing same-sex marriage?

• As Latter-day Saints, do we blow out of proportion the redefining of marriage? Why or why not?

I pondered a lot about this specific question and what my thoughts and my own opinions were on it I for one know of someone in my life who is in a same sex marriage or relationship I know many of my friends have family member and know of others that are in same sex marriages or relationships. I do respect others agency and how they decide to live there life and there choices the rights of agency are why we are on this earth if you choose to go against some teaching and principals of the gospel that does not effect my salvation, I am not at all a supporter of gay marriages nor am I a activist against it, I don’t believe it is the correct lifestyle or choice in gods plan, but I don’t argue agency. When asked why same sex marriage is a big deal and why the church may “fight” against it, is because we understand gods eternal plan and the plan of salvation which is to have a family and to provide and bring lives into this world to teach them this same plan. The church doesn’t hate anyone we love all gods children that being said we don’t have to support others choices. 

What specific things can you do within your circle of influence to defend traditional marriage?

The Family a proclamation was indeed inspired for our time and now more than ever we have to stay true to  its teachings, I know that as we stay in line with that doctrine others can see the joy it brings into our lives and decide to have it in there life.

I think that the difference between a covenant marriage and contractual marriage the big difference to me is that contractual marriage only gives 50% a covenant marriage gives 100% I think this teaching and doctrine is so important and essential in the law of consecration, I know when I have feelings of doubt or uncertainty my wife has the same feelings as well she is just as concerned with me and my struggles as she is with hers. A contract marriage is only to benefit one or the other in a sense but a covenant marriage benefits both parties including provides better love and support. 

covenant v. contractual marriage

Along with the same topic of a covenant marriage is how it effects the children elder Bednar touched on this and the effect that is has in the family setting he said “A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met. Just as the unique characteristics of both males and females contribute to the completeness of a marriage relationship, so those same characteristics are vital to the rearing, nurturing, and teaching of children. “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” It is so important to keep a covenant marriage in all aspects of life, children learn so much from what we do than what we say saying you have a covenant marriage is a whole lot different than showing you have a covenant marriage.

positive sentiment override

Definition of PSO “In positive sentiment override (PSO), negative interactions are not seen as particularly negative, or at least they are not taken personally.  When there is PSO between a couple, the partners give each other the benefit of the doubt, and even if one partner is conveying negativity in content or tone, the other does not personalize, react to, match, or “store away for a rainy day” their partner’s bad mood, negativity, etc.”

My own marriage is not perfect but to me my wife is…. I do very much appreciate her loving settlements and conversations when correcting certain situations I am not saying that we respond in a PSO fashion 100% of the time we do have the occasional “NSO” responses. We strive daily to  have a positive sentiment override, I struggle sometimes with speech and wording when a road block arrives so I always try and take a few steps back look at the situation through her perspective and figure out a solution. My wife has figured this formula out years ago due to her families situation  with examples of negative sentiment override within her youth so she knows how not to communicate . My parents would try there best to hide there arguments but I grew up seeing negative sentiment override the same as my wife except that made me think it was normal behavior  in a marriage. 

Most of the time we like to sit down and face the problem together and help one another through the situation, I know that every marriage strives to have a positive sentiment override and it is very difficult we are human we have emotions and feelings that can easily be offended and with reason too It is hard to look past certain feelings and emotions  in order to see the greater picture. In my closing remarks I would say the key to a positive sentiment override is patients. 

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Knowing your spouses map and love language

As I enter this weeks blog post with the idea of a love map in short a love map is your partner’s more general interests, preferences, attitudes, and behaviors. However, this seems to better describe your partner’s lovemap, not yours. The lovemap you have is your own image of how a relationship can, and should, be. It’s the script that drives your hopes, expectations, and ultimately your behavior, in romantic relationships (Links to an external site.). It is knowing your partners map not necessarily studying your own .

My wife is a very strong supporter in Love languages, which in a way ties into love maps, there are 5 initial langues.

l. Words of affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for
taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The
flies were going to carry it out for you.”

2. Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”

3. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would
like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.

4. Quality time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention.
Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and
listening.

5. Physical touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all
expressions of love.

Out of these five, each of you has a primary love language which speaks more
deeply to you than all the others. Discovering each other’s language and speaking
it regularly is the best way to keep love alive in a marriage.

I feel as though love maps and love languages are one in the same or at the very list support one another, the reason why understanding or reading a love map is so important because that’s your partners map no map is alike, I know when it comes to my own marriage the first step an any argument is to express it in the way they would prefer or like to understand certain things  

“five love language found https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2018/06/the-five-love-languages-defined/ (Links to an external site.)“

BY SMALL AND SIMPLE THINGS ARE GREAT THINGS BROUGHT TO PASS… THE SAME IN LOVE

In Alma 37:6 it states, “by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.”

Such is with marriage simple gestures are greatly appreciated when coupled with marriage, some of these examples of my own marriage might sound pretty small but to me are a great way that my wife shows that she loves me.

The great simply small things I notice my wife does.

One thing I notice is that if we go to restaurant she already knows what I will drink like I love water with lemon and if I get up to use the restroom or great someone and the server comes my wife will order my drink and even ask for extra lemons for me.

Second any time we watch a movie or tv if there is any type of action movie my wife will guarantee say “we should go see that” my wife does like those movies but I know it isn’t her all time favorite genre but she will make it sound like she is interested in going for herself and will actually look up times and everything. That is selflessness and so enduring of her.

Lastly for the sake of the Blog being to long. I could write a novel on her small gestures. I would say a small thing my wife does for me is she checks up on my assignments with school she does not want me to miss the opportunity to get credit for classes, she doe sit in a way where it comes across the way she means she will say to me “Hey you are doing great in your marriage class I know usually you have a discussion post due mid week what was  the topic?” The greatest way to make sure I am on top of it not because she thinks I am lazy but she knows I have a busy schedule and its hard to remember most of the things on my plate she does it because she cares about my education and me.

These are simple things that possibly other spouses do I mean is it that hard to order the drink for your soul mate no, but does it make them feel like you know them and that you can trust them yes. The whole reason I brought up my marriage and the acts of kindness my wife does for me is to be able to look back and really think of the little things she does and in doing that made me appreciate what we have now. Great big gestures are nice but it’s the daily little things that matter.

Beware of Pride

Pride is a very unique word, and unique doctrine. It is not saying to not be proud of a person or a child  like when I tell my wife “I’m proud of you.” we learn from Ezra Taft Bensons talk “beware of Pride” what the Lord means by pride. “The central feature of pride is enmity, Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us. Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s.” By that definition we learn that Pride and being proud are two different things. When I tell my wife I am proud of her for passing a test I am not deep down meaning I hate that you passed the test that’s not what being proud means in that regard. You might ask yourself why does the Lord always tell us to beware of pride? One thing I can think of is it is a slippery slope when you show oppositions in Gods plans or commandments, being prideful in away is stating that you think your ways are better than gods, which sadly is never going to be the case. On a different side of things showing pride in a marriage is also to much of a slippery slope, when you think that you know more of what is best for your marriage than your spouse and don’t speak to each other you have created a contention in the marriage that could ultimately destroy the structure of your marriage.  Satan tries to be as much part of your marriage as God is. Satan wants to replace the Lords teachings and doctrines with his own which are Self centered, egotistical, and stubborn beyond change. Pride is a root towards a bigger problem especially in marriage you have to decide from the very beginning who you are going to serve and always remember your decision. 

Repair Attempts

In the gospel we are taught that repentance means to change I need to repent and do better as far as my feeling and thoughts towards my emotions. I would say that often times I react instead of re evaluate, these are examples of ways to repair myself,  what I mean by that is I let my emotions run wild as soon as I feel them If I get upset I am automatically mad. If I re evaluate the circumstance it gives me more of an opportunity to behave better, Like for example if I am in a long line for a hot dog and I get to the front of the line and they are sold out I would typically get mad and frustrated at the worker might yell or blame but if I were to take a second to think about what the situation is and realize that its really no ones fault, I could just stay calm and move on. Not letting that one thing ruin my lunch. Same principal applies to my marriage if I just wait take a second think and consider my wife’s emotions and respond properly then we can avoid a bigger argument when most the time I lack to ask proper questions and just go straight into the fire with my emotions.

A good example of consecration in is always be first to apologize. Someone once said the most important commandments for us to try to keep are the ones we have the most difficulty keeping. For me, one such commandment is found in 3 Nephi 12:23–24 [3 Ne. 12:23–24 (Links to an external site.)]: “Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—

“Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.” That scripture is exactly what we need to remember not just for marriage but life in general. Always apologize genuinely. When you can put aside your own pride and emotions and work quickly on the problem with your spouse and apologize swiftly the quicker the issues get resolved.

Sources: Struggling to Say “I’m Sorry” September 1999 ensign.

Insight on Gottman

As I read from Gottman’s Book this semester I learned about  overcome gridlock in marriage. A marriage should consist of sharing your dreams and aspirations.  When we first start sharing those dreams with our love, it’s exciting! Whether it’s about buying a new house, getting married or having children, those dreams keep you both looking to the future and ultimately bring you closer together as a couple. However, as time goes on, we forget to continue to find those dreams to share. The fairy tale wedding might have happened or you might have finally moved to that dream house…and then what? Most of the time we get lazy and we stop finding dreams to share with our partners. It is so very important that when Gottman spoke about “gridlocks” he meant was “When couples are in gridlock, it is only by uncovering the hidden dreams and symbolic meanings that they can get out of the Chinese Finger Trap.”  When it comes to marriage you need to understand your partners dreams and why it is so important to them. Like for example how I mentioned sharing dreams like a future home or children is so exciting and shows a promise in the future those may be obvious why they would dream such things but others might have a hidden message, for example a dream income your spouse might mention I want to make a 7 figure income and that sounds wonderful but the dream is also the “WHY” maybe they want to have a higher income in order to give the children things that there parents had neglected from them and are wanting a better future. I think it is also good to recognize that some dreams are just meant to make them happy and that as you learn your spouse you should want them to be happy and be able to live there dreams I think it is very important to KEEP DREAMING in a marriage. 

Sources:

https://www.heruniqueglow.com/blog/5-reasons-to-share-dreams-with-your-partner

What will you do to help protect yourself and your spouse from the damaging influence of pornography?

I remembered a talk on Pornography that was recommend to read on our mission to help those who struggle understand, the talk was given by Elder Dallin H. Oakes  Titled Pornography, in a part of the talk he says “For many years our Church leaders have warned against the dangers of images and words intended to arouse sexual desires.” I find it interesting he says images AND words. When most of us think of the term pornography we often think only of like images but words can be just as influential I remember on my mission my mission president actually gave a sermon and in it her talked about viewing pornography and graphic novels he had said to the sisters “this isn’t only a talk for the men but the women as well if you read any magazine or book that increases sexual desire that is pornography” I think when it comes to marriage you need to remember what pornography really is, with marriage Satan really tries his best to influence spouses in any way he can and its usually the more subtle things that he catches them on like using “sexual words” and saying that words can not be pornographic my wife and I in our marriage always keep our language clean and do not try to look for out side sources to help us with marital questions especially in regards to bedroom topics. If you have questions there our proper sources and teachings. Pornography is a sin The scriptures repeatedly teach that the Spirit of the Lord will not dwell in an unclean tabernacle. If we wish for the constant companionship of the holy ghost it would be in our best interest to keep all forms of pornography out of your own life and marriage. 

Marriage is a Partnership

As I was reading an article by Richard Miller (“Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families”) and one thing he had mentioned was Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. It made me think of the quote from David O. McKay he said ” Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him,not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.”  I love that quote it makes me want to expand and say that women was formed from the rib on the side of him Gordon B. Hinckley had a quote   in that article by Richard Miller “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.” Women and men, husband and wife, are meant to walk side by side each other Marriage is a partnership not a competition. Research shows happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where couples share power and have a true partnership. I know in television and movies theirs always a joke to between parents when it comes time to discipline the child one parent will always say ” you do it I am the fun one.” or “You punish them they listen to you better.”  that is an obvious sign they do not have a true partnership or share power truly, there doesn’t have to be just one “fun one” sharing the responsibility of having fun with our children in the same breath there shouldn’t be a “mean one” in a marriage either no one wants to be seen as rude or mean all the time in a marriage both partner’s need to be seen as authoritative  and fun. If you find yourself realizing that you or your spouse are in this type of situation its never to late to reevaluate the roles and responsibilities that can be mirrored by the other.

How important is it to you to build close relationship with your in-laws?

Personally speaking I believe it is so important to build a close relationship with your in-laws if circumstances allow it. I would like to acknowledge those who might not be able to build a strong relationship with in-laws do to abusive behavior in all forms or lack of family unity, people get married for many reasons and sometime that reason is to “start new” some people don’t have a good relationship with there parents which would already make it difficult for the spouse to have one.  There are many reasons why a parent and child might not get a long and that will make it hard for the spouse to build a positive relationship with the in-laws. If your spouse loves there parents then you should as well. Even if they might not be as traditional as you they still raised the person you married. I have a part member house hold both my parents love each other very much, even though my father or some of my siblings don’t practice teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints doesn’t mean I can’t love them or my wife can’t either my family dynamic is very different then how my wife was raised but she knew how important my family was to me especially my father and she took the time to get to know him and build a friendship as well even though at first it was a little “different”  Luckily for myself my in-laws are very easy to have relationship with I see my mother in-law more like a friend to me she treats me very kindly and we both respect each others role in my wife her daughters life. Touching on that question how important is it to build a close relationship with your in-laws I would say that it is one of the most important things you do you don’t just get sealed to your wife without the family its a package deal if your spouse loves there parents then you should too.